Monday, February 23, 2009

Of Governors, Pennies, and Chicken


If you're offended by bad language, and I mean terrible, awful, yucky four-letter words, SKIP this entry. There. If you read it and still wind up getting pissed, it's on you, my friend.


Every time I visit the closest KFC to my house, I think about Dick Riley, President Clinton’s education secretary, an incongruous thought, I admit, but here’s why.

When I was a kid in the 70s, Riley, then our governor in South Carolina, told us if the voters would approve a 1 cent hike in our sales tax, he could direct that money to our schools and within a matter of years, we’d have a state chock full of geniuses.
Now a lot of you know that we have a saying here in the Palmetto State—“Thank God for Mississippi”—since they are perennially ranked 50th in education in the U.S. After nearly 40 years and millions of pennies in sales tax, we’re still number 49. All the proof you need of this failed policy stands behind the counter at KFC in West Columbia.

Every time I go to this place, they never have original recipe. It’s always a 20 minute wait while it cooks. Set aside the fact that original recipe is what made the Colonel and the restaurant world famous, all these people sell is chicken! What the hell do they think the “FC” stands for in “KFC?” I’m not asking them to explain string theory. All I’m asking for is CHICKEN!!!! Bone in, skin on, rolled in flour with the Colonel’s special spices and dropped into a freakin’ deep-fat-fryer chicken!

You would think that after million of pennies given to their school districts one of them would occasionally glance at the rack under the heat lamp, and when he or she sees only 10 or so pieces left, would say “Drop some more chicken.” Hell, they wouldn’t even have to say it. They could bang a metal spoon on the countertop—one bang for original recipe, two bangs for extra crispy. Use grunts, smoke signals, sign language, I don’t care, just cook the damn chicken!

So why in the midst in an economic crisis, two wars, a crumbling Social Security system, and any number of healthcare crises, am I worried about KFC? Simple. Without going into the compelling reasons why, my diet consists mainly of grilled chicken, anything you can make out of ground turkey, broiled fish, and lots of fruits and vegetables, so every five months or so when the mood hits and the blood sugars allow, I WANT MY ORIGINAL RECIPE FRIED CHICKEN, dammit.

Yesterday, I wanted original recipe. Yesterday there was a 20 minute wait.

Dick Riley, you can bet all the pennies in your pocket, if I ever come across you, pal, I’m going to beat the livin’ shit out of you. Have a great day.

1 comment:

  1. OMGosh! Sam, this is hilarious, but a serious problem. At least your KFC people aren't (to all appearances) hearing impaired. Nearly every drive-thru I go through, except Sonic, forgets my Ranch dressing for my chicken. How do they expect me to eat my Chicken Selects, Chicken Fries, etc. without Ranch dressing??????